Find User/Role Permission on an Object  

Posted by ReelTym

declare
    @SchemaName sysname = 'COMPANY_STRUCTURE',
    @TableName  sysname = 'SUPP_SUPPLIER',
    @UserOrRole sysname = 'ECT_Role'

declare @perms table
(
    table_qualifier sysname,
    table_owner sysname,
    table_name sysname,
    grantor sysname,
    grantee sysname,
    privilege sysname,
    is_grantable sysname
)
insert into @perms
    exec sp_table_privileges
        @table_owner    = @SchemaName,
        @table_name     = @TableName
select *
    from @perms
    where grantee   = @UserOrRole
    order by grantee

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How to Make a Healthier Salad  

Posted by ReelTym

How to Make a Healthier Salad

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The Ultimate Turkey: Smoked On The Barbecue Or The Grill. Or Not. Gobble 'til You Wobble!  

Posted by ReelTym

turkey ready to start
smoked turkey
Before and after. Those are sage leaves on the platter and under the skin. Click here to see enlargements.
"Let not your learning exceed your deeds lest you become like a tree with many branches and no roots." Old Yiddish Saying
By Meathead Goldwyn
Summary. Smoked turkey tastes spectacular, but there are tricks revealed in this recipe that make it the Ultimate Turkey, whether it is smoked outdoors or roasted in your kitchen. Recipe Type. Entree. Tags. Turkey, smoked turkey, BBQ, barbecue, barbeque, grilling, smoking, cookout, party, dinner, smoker, grill.
This is no ordinary turkey preparation, pilgrims. Digest these logical concepts and you will never again have a dry, stringy, cardboardy, boring bird.
fried turkey
After tasting this bird you will never again risk life or limb, nor stain the driveway with grease by deep frying a turkey. This will be the best turkey you've ever tasted. I know because hundreds of readers have written to tell me so (see the comments and pictures at the bottom of the page).

The good news is that you don't need a smoker, although having one helps. You can become a Turkey Zen Master on any old backyard grill, or even in your indoor oven with these techniques. But remember, when you cook the bird outdoors, you not only get great flavor, you free up the indoor oven for sweet potatoes, stuffing, green beans, and pie.
Here's a great idea: Rather than waiting for Thanksgiving, when you have a houseful of critics, why not have a turkey shoot a few weeks in advance to get your technique down?

Manifesto

Turkey poses several problems that we can solve by thinking scientifically. My methods differ drastically from tradition, but if you follow my guidelines you can make this flightless bird soar above the flock. Here is an overview from 30,000 feet. I will discuss each concept in detail, below.
  1. We will not stuff the bird. When you stuff the bird it takes far longer for the heat to travel to the center of the stuffing and in the process the exterior gets way too hot and the meat gets overcooked. By leaving the cavity empty the heat and smoke flavors can enter the cavity, cooking the bird much faster and more evenly without overcooking.
  2. We will treat the crowd to "muffings" by cooking the stuffing in muffin pans and serve everyone an individual muffin shaped stuffing serving, crunchy all over.
  3. We will place a few aromatics in the cavity. Not enough to prevent airflow, but they will create penetrating vapors that will flavor the meat more than the stuffing could.
  4. If your turkey is not labeled "basted", "self-basted", "enhanced", or "kosher" we will help the proteins hold onto liquid with a dry brine.
  5. Even if it has been injected with a saline solution at the factory, and chances are that it was, we can still amp up boring birds by injecting them with butter.
  6. Because herbs and spices cannot get very far past the skin, we will use a wet rub of oil and aromatic herbs under the skin to baste and add more flavor to the meat.
  7. We will add oil and herbs to the outside of the skin to help make it crispy and add flavor.
  8. We will not place the bird inside a roasting pan. Instead we will place it above a roasting pan so air can flow all around it, cooking and browning it properly on the underside.
  9. We will not truss or tie the bird. We will let the entire surface brown, even the armpits and crotch, because nobody wants to eat rubbery skin. This will help the thighs and drumsticks cook faster because they need to be cooked to a higher temp than the breasts.
  10. We will roast the bird in a humid, aromatic, smoky atmosphere to hold in moisture and add flavor.
  11. We will prevent the wing and drumstick ends from burning by covering them with foil for part of the time.
  12. We will not cook breast side down as has become popular. It just doesn't help, and in fact it harms.
  13. We will not baste during cooking. It just makes the skin soft. By oiling the skin at the start and by cooking at the right temp, we will still get a beautiful crisp brown skin.
  14. We will use a digital thermometer to monitor the bird's temperature to make sure it is not overcooked, and not the plastic popup that is set 20°F too high, guaranteeing breast meat drier than week-old stuffing. Click here for a conversion table from F to C.
  15. We will remove our turkey from the heat at 160°F instead of 170°F to 180°F as most recipes recommend, and it still will be safe. Juicier too. The USDA revised its guidelines in 2006 so most cookbooks are out of date.
  16. We will not tent it with foil when it is finished cooking because the steam trapped under the foil softens the skin. There is plenty of heat in that thermal mass to keep it warm while it rests.
  17. We will slice the breasts across the grain rather than with the grain to make it even more tender. This means we will not slice the breasts while they are still on the bird, we will remove them before slicing.
  18. Instead of a gloppy starchy sauce, we will make a succulent thin gravy the way we would make a soup stock, with giblets and trimmings from the bird, onions, carrots, celery, and more. We will put them in a pan under the bird to catch its sexy smoky drippings. We will leave the gravy thin and potent so it can infiltrate between the muscle fibers rather than sit on top like a lump. Hot thin gravy will also warm the meat if it has cooled off too much. We will make enough gravy so we can still use it to make that thick flour-based goo if the traditionalists insist, and it will be better than ever because the base is so much tastier than just plain drippings. And there will still be enough gravy for leftovers.
carved turkey

The result will be a magnificent looking, dark mahogany avian, with incredibly tender and juicy flesh, delicately and elegantly flavored with savory herbs and seductive smoke, annointed with a gravy that eclipses all others. Here's a short video from reader Jason King of BBQFOOD4U that summarizes the process.

Handle raw turkey like kryptonite

Treat all raw fowl with great care. There is a good chance that it has Salmonella, Campylobacter, or some other pathogenic bacteria in it. Research shows that about 2/3 of modern poultry has been contaminated by the time you get it home. That's just a fact of life nowadays. But don't worry. Cooking kills bacteria. If you cook poultry properly, you are perfectly safe.
How do so many birds get so yucky? Pathogens are in the soil and in the air. Even "free range", "pasture raised", "natural", and "organic" birds are easily contaminated because they scratch and peck in dirt and grass that is teeming with bacteria, and because they eat insects, worms, larvae, seeds, etc. They often step in each other's poop and they peck in it. You can't prevent it unless you put them in diapers.
Most turkeys are grown by "independent" farmers who work under contract to big brand marketers like Butterball and Perdue. They are highly competitive because they know that we shop for bargains so they use efficient, inexpensive, mass production farming methods. These concentrated animal feeding operations (CAFOs) , sometimes called factory farms, are designed to deliver big breasted birds grown to market size in only 4 to 5 months, much faster than nature intended, at the lowest possible prices. Birds are then processed in slaughterhouses and high speed disassembly lines. During the process, poop can get on their skin, on the gloves of the workers, on the conveyor belts, and in the water baths that are used to remove feathers and rinse the meat. It is practically impossible to prevent contamination, and it can happen on small farms, too.
So you must handle raw poultry like kryptonite. Thoroughly wash your hands, tools, counter tops, cutting boards, sink, platters, and anything that contacts uncooked poultry.
The best solution, pun intended, is to buy an empty spray bottle at the drug store and fill it with a dilute solution of water and household bleach. Bleach is a powerful sanitizer. That's why they put it in swimming pools. USDA recommends a solution of one tablespoon of good old fashioned 5% unscented, liquid chlorine bleach per gallon of water. After washing your cutting board, knives, meat grinder, counters, and sink, thoroughly wet their surfaces with the bleach solution and allow it to stand for several minutes. Rinse with clear water and air dry or pat dry with clean paper towels that can be discarded. Cloth towels are germ carriers. Store the bleach solution in the bottle, tightly sealed, and use it often. It will remain potent for months. And I don't care what you've read on the internet, vinegar will not do the job. Click here to read more about food safety.

Meat temp: Taste vs. safety

Confusion abounds over the proper temperature to which you must heat turkey for safety and for max tenderness and juiciness. One of the problems is that USDA changed the recommended minimum temperature for cooked poultry in 2006. Until then USDA said we should cook white meat to 160°F and dark meat to 180°F, and if you were cooking a whole bird, take it all up to 180°F. The new recommendation is 165°F for any and all parts of turkey and chicken. That means cookbooks published in 2006 or earlier are wrong. Worse, many celebrity cooks seem never to have gotten the word and it is common to hear them tell us to desiccate our birds by overcooking them to 180°F. Click here for a complete guide to the proper cooking temps for all meats, both USDA and restaurant chef recommendations.
Benchmarks
°F
°C
Recommended cooking temp
325
163
USDA recommended serving temp 165 74
Remove from heat when breasts hit
160
71
Ideal temp for dark meat 175
79
Popup thermometers pop at
185
85
Bacteria start dying at
130
54

Dark meat has about 9% fat, 33% more than white meat, so it tastes and feels best at about 175°F. White meat is very lean, about 6%, and it dries out quickly if it is overcooked. It is at its best texture and juiciness at about 155°F, but that's 10°F below the USDA recommendation and I can't risk a lawsuit by telling you to serve turkey at that temp. So I will advise you to cook it to 160°F and let the temp rise to 165°F while it moves from cooker to carving. More on this later.
USDA wants to keep things simple for us in order to keep us safe. Admirable! What USDA doesn't tell you is that microbes start croaking at about 130°F. The hotter the food gets, the faster the pathogens die. You can pasteurize your turkey at 130°F in 2 hours or at 165°F in 2 seconds, hence the USDA recommended minimum of 165°F. What the USDA doesn't tell you is that you can kill them all if you heat the bird to 160°F for 7 seconds, 155°F for 23 seconds, or 145°F for about 4 minutes.
Chefs who cook sous-vide (the ultimate low and slow cooking) know this. They put cut up turkey parts in plastic bags, vacuum seal them, and place them in water baths at 150 to 160°F for 2 to 3 hours and the results are incredibly tender, tasty, and safe. But most of us don't have expensive calibrated sous-vide water bath cookers, and even then, if you aren't careful, there is risk.
In 2011, for the first time, USDA gave a nod to the concept that time and temp work together to make food safe when it revised the recommended temp for pork. They lowered it to 145°F for 3 minutes. The world would be a better place if the turkey lobby was as effective as the pork lobby. For more on how time and temp work together in the process of pasteurizing meat, read my article on food, knife, and grill safety.

Conduction heating and carryover cooking

The USDA doesn't factor in carryover either. Carryover is simple physics.
In a 325°F oven, the surface of the meat will slowly warm. This warming is the process of exciting the molecules so they move faster. It takes time because the meat is a combination of water, fat, and protein, and they are good insulators.
As the surface warms it conducts its heat slowly inward to the cooler cells beneath, passing it along like a bucket brigade. Excited molecules get their neighbors excited by bouncing off them like billiard balls. Slowly the heat marches towards the center.
As the exterior passes the heat along, it loses heat so the bucket brigade prevents the surface from zooming up to 325°F. Also, moisture on the surface evaporates cooling the surface in the same way sweat cools you off on a hot day. If the meat is thin, the heat builds up rapidly. If it is thick, it takes much longer to get to the desired temp in the center. The trick is to get the center to the target temp without overcooking the exterior. One technique is to baste the exterior, but that keeps the skin wet and soft, and we want it dry and crisp. Another technique is to cook low and slow. We'll keep the temp at 325°F, which is medium, and I'll explain why later.
Interestingly, the meat keeps cooking after you take it out of the heat. The hot outer parts continue to pass their heat inward and in 15 to 30 minutes after coming out of the oven, the center of the muscle can rise another 5°F. The heat also escapes into the air, so we don't want to leave the meat sitting around too long.
carryover cooking
In this illustration, on the left we have a piece of meat cooking at 325°F. It is absorbing heat from all sides, the outer surfaces are hottest and the heat is passed to the center by conduction. In the center picture, the meat has been removed from the oven. Heat continues to be passed towards the center, even though it is sitting at room temp, and some of the heat is escaping into the surrounding air. On the right, the meat has come close to an even temp throughout and now it is cooling as more heat escapes.
To be absolutely safe and still have moist and tender whole birds, and to make sure nobody sues me, you should serve turkey at 165°F in the deepest part of the meat and test it in multiple locations with a good digital thermometer. At my house I usually take the meat up to 160°F and let it rise 5°F by carryover.

Cooking temp

I recommend you cook whole turkey at 325°F. Readers know that I love low and slow and many of my recipes recommend a 225°F setting. That's a great temperature for gently melting tough collagen-based connective tissues without getting their protein panties in a bunch and squeezing out moisture (see my article on meat science).
But turkey doesn't have the same composition as pork ribs or beef brisket, so we don't need to worry about melting tough collagens. Turkey can handle higher temps, and higher temps are needed to render the fats in the skin in order to crisp it. The higher temp helps brown the skin in the short cooking time allotted.
We want brown skin because when cooking, brown means deep rich, complex taste. Browning is the result of a process called the Maillard reaction and, although it starts at low temps, it really kicks in at about 310°F when amino acids and sugars form scores of scrumptuous new compounds. This chemical reaction is responsible for the rich flavors in toasted bread, coffee beans, and dark beer.
At 325°F you can render more fat from the skin and get the skin crispier. Nothing worse than soggy wet flabby rubbery skin, and that's what you get at low temps.
On the other hand, we don't want to cook turkey too hot. Recently I have been seeing more and more recipes for cooking turkey at high temps, like 500°F. This just risks incinerating the skin and flies in the face of physics as shown in the illustration here. High temps are fine for thin cuts like 3/4" steaks because we want the exterior dark with the interior at 130°F, much lower than turkey. But turkey breasts are much thicker than most steaks and we need to allow enough time for the heat to travel to the center. At high temps, by the time the heat penetrates, the exterior and outer layers are overcooked and dry.
Besides, at higher temps the window of opportunity opens and closes too quickly. The amount of time at which the meat is properly cooked in the center is short, and in short order it is overdone. Slow pitches are easier to hit than fastballs.
So 325°F is a nice compromise. High enough to benefit from the Maillard reaction on the skin and to melt some of the fat, hot enough to gelatinize connective tissues, but not flamethrower hot, not risking a badly overheated outside of the meat before the center is cooked.

If you can't hit 325°F

If you have a smoker or grill that doesn't get to 325°F (some smokers won't, especially gassers and electrics), you will need to cook longer. Don't sweat it. The skin will should still be brown because the Maillard reaction can still take place at lower temps, but at a much slower pace. Besides, the smoke is going to darken things, too. But you may not get really crispy skin. If the skin isn't crisp by the time it hits 145°F, put it in an indoor oven or on a grill at 400°F.

Cooking time

A clock cannot tell you when food is cooked. Only a thermometer can do this. Turkeys are notoriously unpredictable in the wild and only slightly less so in the oven. The two most important factors in determining cooking time are the cooking temp and the thickness of the thickest piece of meat, the breast. But actual cooking time will vary depending on how well it is defrosted, whether or not you brined or injected, what temp your fridge is, if it sat at room temp for a while, how close your bird is to the gravy pan, how well your cooker holds a steady 325°F, the quality of your thermometers, airflow within the cooker, humidity in the cooker, and the breast size of your bird.
Pounds
Hours at 325°F
12 to 14
2 to 2.5
14 to 18
2.5 to 3
18 to 24
3 to 3.5
24 to 30
3.5 to 4
Given all those disclaimers, this table is a rough guide for how long it will take to get the temp in the deepest part of the breast to 160°F and the thigh to 170°F. Do not bet on it. Bet on a good thermometer. If you don't have one, don't blame me if your guests get tummy aches (or worse), if you keep your guests waiting, or if you serve shoe leather.
And please don't ask me how long a stuffed bird will take. I don't test recipes with stuffed birds, so I have no idea how long they take. Here's why:

Don't stuff the bird!

If you must have bread stuffing (and if you're having me over, you must have bread stuffing) then cook it on the side (some people insist on calling it dressing if it is not in the bird).
1) If you stuff the bird, the temp in the center of the stuffing must be at least 165°F to be safe because juices from the bird get into the stuffing. By the time the heat penetrates that far, the breast will be overcooked and void of moisture.
2) An empty cavity allows heat and smoke and flavor to enter the meat from the inside as well as the outside.
3) If you don't stuff you can put herbs and other aromatics in the cavity to amp up the flavor. Stuffing does little for flavor.
4) Stuffing sticks to the ribs of the turkey. If you use the carcass to make stock the next day, which you absolutely should do, the bread in the stuffing will make the stock unappetizingly cloudy.
stuffed turkey

If you cook stuffing outside the bird, you can spread it in a baking pan and get more crispy brown bits, the bits everybody wants. Or better still, make muffings (see sidebar).
If you absolutely must stuff the bird, precook the stuffing so it is hot. Then it will help cook the meat and you won't overcook it.

How big a bird do you need?

There are several variables to consider when deciding how much meat to buy. Do you want leftovers? What is your male to female ratio? How many young children will there be? How many big eaters will there be? Are adult beverages in play? How many appetizers and snacks? What are the side dishes and how many? When does the football game start?
As a rule of thumb, 1 to 1.5 pounds raw weight per person usually will be more than enough. When you subtract bones, giblets, and shrinkage, you will lose about 20%. I usually plan on 2 pounds per person so those who want leftovers can take some home (make sure you have plenty of aluminum foil or zipper bags on hand).
large and small turkey

If you need a lot of turkey, and space permits, it is better to cook two small birds than one giant bird. They will cook faster and be more tender and juicy.
Here's why: The bigger the bird, the thicker the breasts and the longer it takes to cook the center of the breasts to proper doneness. By the time they are done, thinner parts are overcooked, and the outer parts of the breasts are dry.
Cooking two smaller birds will actually take less time than one large bird and it will not take any longer time than one smaller bird if you get the cooker up to the proper temp.

What you need to know about turkeys before you go shopping

Today's grocery store turkeys are the result of decades of selective breeding. The Broad Breasted White used by Butterball, Perdue, Smithfield, Jennie-O, and most other major brands has been bred smaller to fit modern family sizes, with larger breasts to satisfy the demand for white meat, with a metabolism that lets them grow to market size rapidly, and with all white feathers because dark feathers make black spots on the skin. They account for 99% of all turkeys on the market.
Because most people don't own a quality digital thermometer, and, as a result, they overcook their turkeys, most manufacturers inject a liquid brine, about 2% salt, into their turkeys. Salt is a great flavor amplifier if you don't overdo it. The injection of a brine adds liquid helping to keep the meat moist. And remarkably, salt helps keep the moisture in. It seems the electrical charges in salt alter the structure of the proteins in the meat, a process called denaturing, and the denatured proteins become more hydrophilic, meaning they glom onto water and hold it tight. Finally, salt has antimicrobial properties.
Because processors are allowed to inject up to 8% of the weight of the bird, this also adds to their profit. Let's do the math: If 8% of a 20 pound bird is injected brine, that's 1.6 pounds. If the bird sells for $1.25 per pound on sale, that's $2 for that salt water, more when it is full price!
Turkeys that say "basted" or "self-basted" or "enhanced" have been injected with a salt solution and possibly flavor enhancers and tenderizers. "Kosher" birds have been salted on the outside and inside the cavity because it was thought in ancient times that this would draw out the blood.
Now catch this: If a bird has had salt and water injected, the law still allows it to be labeled "natural" or "organic" because salt and water are natural ingredients! In fact, the word natural has no legal meaning and it is widely misused. Remember, this is a country where Congress once decided to classify pizza as a vegetable!
But salt is not evil. It is an "essential nutrient" which means it is necessary for good health and you must ingest it because your body doesn't make it. Excessive salt consumption can be hazardous, but not moderate consumption.
So let's do the math: An ounce of Butterball turkey (which has neither butter nor balls) contains about 65 mg sodium. So an 8 ounce portion of turkey, a pretty nice serving, will contain 520 mg. If you are on a low sodium diet, the Cleveland Clinic recommends you keep your daily intake down to 2,000 mg, so that serving of turkey is only 1/4 of the recommended daily amount for someone whose doctor has told them to watch their salt intake. No sweat. For the rest of us? Chow down!
Nowadays finding a bird that has not been salted is almost a mission impossible. To get a bird that is not pumped, you need to special order it, go to a specialty store like Whole Foods, or buy it directly from a farmer. Some butchers develop relationships with local farmers and will take orders for fresh birds. Another good source is a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) organization which you can find through LocalHarvest.org.
For more about salt and how important it is to your health, read my article on the Zen of Salt. Also recommended, my articles on the Zen of Brines and the Zen of Injecting.
Now a word about birds labeled "free range". Yet another case of industry bullying USDA into allowing a highly misleading term onto the label. The legal definition says "Producers must demonstrate to the Agency that the poultry has been allowed access to the outside." In practice, this means the producer leaves a door open to a small penned in area. The birds rarely go through the door. The term Pasture raised has no legal definition.

Heritage breeds?

All turkeys are descendants of the wild turkey Meleagris gallopavo. As with other animals (hogs for instance) and vegetables (tomatoes for instance), farmers are rediscovering abandoned "heritage" breeds and seeds. Narragansett and Bourbon Red are two of several heritage turkeys that are making a comeback, but they are still hard to find. They are closer to wild turkeys, with smaller breasts, darker and more flavorful meat that some people call gamey. Try one before you serve it to the gang on Turkey Day. They are also much more expensive. But beware. The term "heritage" is not government-regulated and there is nothing to stop unscrupulous merchants from labeling any old turkey as "heritage".

Fresh or frozen?

"Fresh" poultry means, according to USDA, that the bird has not been taken below 26°F by the processor. At that point it is pretty hard (remember, freezing temp of water is 32°F), but not quite a bowling ball because of the proteins and other compounds in the liquids, not to mention the injected salt, prevent it from freezing completely. But ice crystals will still have formed. USDA inspectors allow up to 2°F tolerance when testing birds in commerce, so a "fresh" turkey can be held as low as 24°F.
Ice crystals are larger than water molecules, and they are sharp. When ice crystals form, the water expands and the sharp edges punch holes in muscle fibers, allowing precious moisture to escape. That's the pink liquid in the bag. Called "purge", it is mostly myoglobin, a protein fluid that helps keep meat moist. We won't waste it. It will go in the gravy, but I would rather have it in the muscles where it belongs. To make matters worse, some grocers allow turkeys to thaw a bit so they feel fresh.
I think this phony "fresh" turkey business is bunk and USDA is allowing marketers to deceive the public.
Sometimes you can buy truly fresh turkeys with no ice crystals and no purge from a farmer or specialty butcher who has chilled them to between 32°F and 38°. You may be able to find truly fresh turkeys raised on Amish-owned family farms. Amish farmers don't use electricity so the birds aren't processed on fast moving disassembly lines and they aren't up late surfing the net and doing things that get them overexcited. They're plucked and cleaned by hand and are largely free of pinfeathers.
To get a truly fresh turkey, usually you have to order it and the butcher or farmer will give you a pickup date. In Chicago, I occasionally drive to John's Live Poultry and Egg Market where I can pick a live bird, have it weighed, slaughtered, and dressed on the spot. I get to keep the head and feet too.
The problem is that, when an animal dies the muscles can't get the blood laden oxygen they expect so they get stiff. This rigor mortis usually sets in within an hour or so, and it doesn't go away until about 12 hours later, so you don't want to eat a fresh killed bird. Wait 24 hours.

live turkey for the grill

But fresh meat doesn't stay fresh forever. Buy a truly fresh turkey only if you are certain it has been killed within a week of the date you will consume it.
On the other hand, in an efficient slaughterhouse operation, turkeys are flash frozen in extreme cold. This process forms smaller ice crystals and that helps prevent purge. I would rather have a bird that was flash frozen right after slaughter than a so-called "fresh" bird that has been chilled to 26°F and is really only partially frozen, or a truly fresh bird chilled to 34°F that has been sitting around in the fridge for a couple of weeks.
Bottom line: Proper cooking is far more important than having a fresh bird.

Here's a timeline

Here's a schedule you can follow for a 6 p.m. dinner.
WHAT TO DO WHEN TO DO IT
Begin thawing regardless of size Friday morning
Unpack bird, check thaw Wednesday morning
Prep gravy, make the wet rub Wednesday
Inject (optional), apply salt Wednesday
Preheat cooker and gravy, apply rub 1 p.m. Thursday
Put the bird on and add wood 2 p.m. Thursday
Add water to gravy pan, remove foil 3 p.m. Thursday
Add water to gravy pan if necessary 4 p.m. Thursday
Remove gravy, strain, skim fat, taste 4:30 p.m. Thursday
Remove bird, heat gravy, carve 5 p.m. Thursday
Splash with gravy, serve 5:30 p.m. Thursday
Take a bow 6:00 p.m. Thursday

Thawing

To thaw a frozen turkey, place the bird, still in its plastic shipping bag, in a large roasting pan in the refrigerator. You need the pan because the bags always seems to leak. Allow 24 hours in the fridge for every 4 pounds. If you don't want to do the math, just put it in the fridge 7 days before the day you will eat it. That's a bit more time than needed, but hey, when you want to catch a train, you get to the station before the train does, right? Most turkey disasters I hear about are because the bird has not defrosted properly. There are faster ways to defrost a bird discussed in my article on thawing.
A day before cooking, strip off the plastic bag and remove the organs and neck from both the front and rear cavities. That's the deep center and the last part to thaw, so removing them will help insure that the interior is melted. Just leave the neck and giblets in the pan. We'll use them later.

Don't wash your turkey

Rinsing poultry in the sink cannot remove Salmonella and Campylobacter which are often embedded in the muscle. In fact, rinsing makes things worse by splattering contamination onto the sink and counters.
"There's no reason, from a scientific point of view, to think you're making it any safer, and in fact, you're making it less safe," said researcher Jennifer Quinlan in an interview on NPR. Quinlan is a food safety scientist at Drexel University in Philadelphia.
In fact, Drexel has a public service program to educate the public complete with this animation:

"You should assume that if you have chicken, you have either Salmonella or Campylobacter bacteria on it, if not both," said Quinlan. "If you wash it, you're more likely to spray bacteria all over the kitchen and yourself."

Dry brining

Sprinkle the skin with salt, a technique called dry brining only if it has not been injected or koshered. This will help the skin crisp during cooking because it breaks down the structure of the skin and dries it out. It will also help season the meat, amplify flavor, and denature the proteins so they hold water better. Don't cover the bird with plastic wrap. We want the skin to dry out a bit. This will help you get skin as crisp as potato chips.
As much as it pains me to tell you this, you can cook a frozen turkey, but expect the exterior to be overcooked by the time the center is cooked to a safe temp, so make sure you have gravy. Here are the rules: (1) You absolutely positively must use a meat thermometer for this maneuver; (2) you cannot stuff the bird; (3) you may have to cook for an hour before you can remove the giblet package and neck, but you really should get them out as quickly as possible, especially if they are in plastic, which can melt; (3) cooking time will be 1.5 to 2.0 times as long.

Ingredients for the gravy

3 quarts [2.8 L] water
1 cup [237 ml] apple juice
2 onions, skin on, ends removed, cut into quarters
2 medium carrots, peeled and cut into 2 inch lengths
1 stalk of celery, leaves and all, cut into 2 inch lengths
1 tablespoon [15 ml] dried sage leaves, crumbled (do not use powdered herbs, they will cloud the broth)
1 tablespoon [15 ml] dried thyme leaves
2 whole dried bay leaves
About the liquids. You can ubstitute some of the water with chicken stock, vegetable stock, or a bottle of a white wine. I usually get a white wine from the closeout bin of the local liquor store. Oxidized white wine is fine; in fact I think it adds depth. Just don't use anything that has turned to vinegar. And never use red wine unless you want purple turkey! I have occasionally added mushrooms (fresh or dried) to the gravy, too. You can substitute a small handful of celery leaves for the celery stalk. This is a good way to get rid of them.
About the onion skins. Onion skins contain a pigment that darkens the gravy. Using them in making stocks is an old chef trick. In fact they are sometimes used as fabric dyes. If the skins are musty, or the underlayer is mushy or rotten, discard them.
Add no salt. Drippings from the meat will have salt, so wait until you taste the final gravy and add salt at the end if you think it needs more.

Ingredients for the wet rub

4 tablespoons of Simon & Garfunkel rub
4 tablespoons of vegetable oil or olive oil
1 tablespoon table salt
About the rub. Click the link above for the recipe.
About the salt. I know I have said not to add salt to a salted bird, but this small amount is being applied to the surface with the rub and will help season the skin. There's not much, so it's OK.
Optional. If you don't want to bother making it (you really should have a bottle on hand at all times), just use a simple blend of herbs, perhaps 1.5 tablespoons finely chopped or powdered sage (fresh or dried) and 1.5 tablespoons thyme leaves (fresh or dried).

Ingredients for the bird

1 turkey, any size
1 medium onion, cut in quarters, skin on
3 cloves of garlic, coarsely chopped
2 large sprigs of fresh sage or thyme, about 3 to 4" long
Peel of one orange or lemon
4 ounces [113 gm] or so of hardwood or fruitwood chips

Preparing the gravy

If you wish, you can do this a day in advance.
Whatever you do, don't skip the gravy. I know this whole approach may sound a little goofy, but trust me: This nectar is a show stopper. First time out of the gate, follow my recipe closely until you get the concept. The truth is, now that I've made this umpteen times, I no longer measure the ingredients.
This gravy is not the thick and pasty stuff made with flour that sits on top of the meat and forms pudding skin. This gravy is a thin, flavorful broth that penetrates the meat, making it incredibly moist and tasty. And if Grandma insists on the thick glop, there is more than enough of my gravy to mix with flour to make her happy. I'll show you how, reluctantly, below.
There is almost always leftover gravy that you can freeze. It makes a killer soup base or stock for cooking rice, risotto, couscous, or whenever a recipe calls for stock. I use it to make the gravy for turkey pot pies with the leftovers.
Method
1) After the bird has thawed, open the bag it came in and pour the juices into the pan in which it was sitting. Even if they bird was salted, save those the juices. They will not be too salty.
2) If there is a plastic pop-up thermometer, remove it and discard it. If you rely on it you will be eating balsa wood. If there is a gizmo holding the tops of the drumsticks together, remove it. By holding the thighs and drums tight to the body, it prevents them from cooking properly and keeps the skin in the bird's crotch from darkening and crisping. Yes, I know the books tell you to truss the drumsticks. They're wrong. I'll explain why later.
3) Pull the stuff out the cavities. Check both front and rear openings. Typically you'll find the neck and a bag of "giblets" in there. Put the neck in the pan. The bag usually contains the heart (looks like a heart), the gizzard (two marbles connected in the middle), and the liver (it is the floppy, shiny thing). Put everything except the liver in the gravy pan. The liver will not be used for the gravy. Freeze it in a zipper bag and save it along with other chicken and duck livers until you have enough to make a nice pâté, or toss it in a pan with some oil, cook it, and feed it to the dog.
4) Remove "the part that goes over the fence last", a.k.a. "the Pope's nose", and trim excess skin and fat from around both cavities, front and rear, and put them in the pan along with the neck and the juices. Then whack off the wing tips at the first joint and toss them in the pool. There's a lot of flavor in them. Don't worry about the fat, you can skim it later.
5) Add the rest of the gravy ingredients to the pan and refrigerate. We will use it when we cook the bird. Here's the pan before cooking.

the gravy

Injecting and/or dry brining

If you wish, you can do this a day in advance.
Injecting and/or dry brining are two excellent ways to amp up your bird. Since most grocery store turkeys have already been injected with brine at the slaughterhouse, there is no need to soak it in brine or inject salt at home. But if you get a bird that has not been injected, I recommend that you consider injecting.
Even if it has been injected with a salt solution at the slaughterhouse, you can still inject it with butter. As with salt, butter amplifies flavors. I've included complete instructions for injecting in the sidebar at right.
If your bird has not been salted, I recommend you salt it the day before. You can inject a brine or butter or other flavoring. I use a dry brine, just plain salt. Put just a little more than you would if you were salting it on the table. This salt pulls moisture out of the skin, it melts the salt, and the salt then diffuses into the skin, and believe it or not, migrates into the meat. No need to add the rub at this time, most of the molecules are too large to penetrate, and the oil in the rub doesn't get along with the water in the meat. Remember, meat is about 75% water, and it is like a saturated sponge, there'not much room in there for things to work their way in.
Injecting, however, forces flavor in, and it squeezes into the spaces between the muscle fibers, not into the fibers. Salt, however, gets into the fibers.
In any case, if you can leave the bird exposed to cold air in the fridge, it helps dry the skin a bit and this helps make crispy skin. No plastic cover.

Preparing the wet rub

If you wish, you can prepare the rub a day in advance, but don't put it on til the day of cooking.
A dry rub is a mix of spices and herbs rubbed into meat, but for turkey, we're going to use a wet rub, a mix of herbs, spices, and oil. Wet rubs are especially effective because many of the flavors in herbs and spices do not dissolve in water, but they do dissolve in oil. This is especially true of green herbs. Turkey and herbs get along like peanut butter and jelly. Click here to read about the Zen of Herbs and Spices.
The wet rub goes under the skin so the herbs and spices can be in intimate contact with the muscle tissue and don't have to fight their way through fatty skin. Then we'll put some rub on top of the skin to flavor everybody's favorite part and because oil helps crisp the skin. If you don't want to fuss with under ths skin, you won't lose much if it all goes on the skin.
I recommend you use my Simon & Garfunkel poultry rub blend. It's a mix of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (sing it), with oregano, basil, bay leaf, black pepper, and sugar.
If you want to use your own favorite rub, use something without salt if the bird has been salted at the factory or you have salted it with a dry brine or injection. My Simon & Garfunkel rub has no salt. Remember, you can always add salt, but you can't take it away. Click here for more about rubs.
Sometimes, if the sage in the garden hasn't frozen by Thanksgiving, I'll put olive oil or butter and several whole fresh sage leaves under the skin instead of a wet rub and use the wet rub on the outside of the skin only. If you click here and look at the picture of the finished bird up close you can see the sage leaves under the skin. They taste great and look kewl. People will ask about the secret ingredient.
Method
1) Mix the herb blend with the oil and let it sit for a few hours if you have the time. That helps break down the cells in the herbs and releases their flavors, but this is not a necessity because the flavors will marry while on the bird. Why oil and not butter? Butter is not pure oil, it has water in it so it will not brown as well as other oils. Olive oil or cooking oil do the job of delivering herbs to the muscle tissues just fine. The herbs are where the flavor is.
2) Pat the skin dry with paper towels, take off your Superbowl ring, and gently push the herbs and oil under the skin covering the breasts. Spread it out and work it as far down to the thighs and legs as possible. Try to avoid leaving behind large clumps.
3) Spread the remaining rub on top of the skin. If you run out, rub the exterior with olive oil or vegetable oil and sprinkle it gently with a little black pepper, sage, and thyme. Then sprinkle salt on the skin to help it crisp.
4) Do not tie the legs together. Most turkeys come with an armature holding the tops of the drums together. And most cookbooks tell you to tie them up if they didn't come that way. This just doesn't make sense. Here's why.
Dark meat is best at about 175°F, but if you tie the drums together you pin the thighs tight against the body of the bird and they'll take longer to cook. So if you remove the bird when the breasts are 160°F, the thighs will also be about 160°F. But if you let their freak flag fly, heat will infiltrate them from all sides and, because they are thinner than the breasts, they will be at 170°F when the breasts hit 160°F.
Some chefs tell you to put a Wagnerian breast plate made of foil on the white meat in order to reflect heat so the thighs can get ahead of them. Now that is really goofy. A thin layer of foil is not going to reflect much heat nor is it going to be much of an insulator. All that will do is retard the browning and crisping of the skin.
Some other chefs tell you to put ice bags on the breasts before cooking in order to chill them so that the thighs will have a head start. One New York Times expert whom I normally worship even use Ace bandages to hold the icebags in place so the poor turkey looks like was up all night drinking Wild Turkey. Just letting the thighs free so hot air can surround them will do the job just fine, thank you. And doing so has the added bonus of letting the crotch area brown.

Setting up your grill or smoker

You absolutely, positively do not want the bird sitting directly above the flame or coals unless you have always secretly wanted to run avian crematorium. The best arrangement for a grill is what is called a 2-zone setup. The grill has a hot side with direct heat underneath it, and a cooler side where the heat flows in from the hot side. We call them the direct zone and the indirect zone.

2 zone aerial view

The meat goes in the indirect zone and roasts by convection airflow circulating all around the bird rather than by direct radiation from the flame. If you have a smoker, they are usually designed for indirect cooking. If you have a grill, you need to set it up for 2 zones.
Long ago you should have done dry runs sans food with your grill so that by now you can hit two target temps: 325 and 225°F. Almost all my recipes call for one or the other and becuase only pellet grills have a thermostat control, you need to play thermostat. If you haven't calibrated your system, click the link and practice long before you try to cook anything.

You don't need a fancy smoker to make a fancy smoked turkey

A smoker is nice for this recipe, but the Ultimate Turkey can be done just as easily on a normal charcoal or gas grill. In fact, it can be done indoors without the smoke and still turn out a killer meal. For the internet's best buying guide to grills and smokers, click here. With a grill, it is best to use a 2-zone setup (click that link to see exactly what I mean and when you are on that page click the links that show you how to set up a charcoal grill, gas grill, offset smoker, or bullet smoker).
butterflied spatchcocked turke on the grill

You can make the Ultimate Turkey on just about any grill. In fact, you can even follow these concepts and techniques and make it indoors, too. You'll just have to omit the wood. Don't even think about using wood indoors. You'll never get the smell out of the place and you'll be sleeping on the couch for weeks.
Here is a butterflied (spatchcocked) bird on a 30 year old $89 Weber Kettle charcoal grill outfitted with a Smokenator, a device that holds the coals off to one side. Notice that the dark meat is closer to the coals since we want it cooked to a higher temp and the drip pan about 3" below. Instant read digital thermometer is reading 159.2°F. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Click here to see this this charcoal grill setup up close and personal.
turkey on gas grill setup

Above is my 15 year old Weber Genesis gas grill. I have removed the cooking grates. The bird sits on a wire rack above the drip pan filled with a flavorful gravy, and the drip pan sits right on the flame deflector bars. On the left is a disposable aluminum loaf pan with apple wood chips sitting on the hottest burner. I have covered the tips of the wings and drums with foil to keep them from burning. The foil is removed later and about 30 minutes before the bird is done, I removed the drip pan to firm up the back of the bird. Click here to see this gas grill setup up close and personal.

Water pans, drip pans, roasting pans

When setting up for 2-zone cooking, I normally recommend you put a water pan under the meat. It acts as a heat sink, absorbing energy and moderating fluctuations. A water pan also puts humidity in the atmosphere to reduce evaporative cooling and helps keep the meat moist. If you have a small grill, the water pan can actually sit between the flame and the meat, casting a heat shadow above it so the meat doesn't overheat.
For this recipe, we replace the water in the pan with the fixins for our special gravy and it will collect dripping further enriching the gravy. This gravy/drip pan should have at least 3.5 quart capacity and must be large enough to fit under the entire bird. The best choices are stainless steel, ceramic, or CorningWare. Be forewarned, the pan it will get smoky and need serious scrubbing. Don't use copper because it can react with the salts and acids in the gravy. I have used a disposable aluminum pan and noticed no off flavors, but I now have a stainless steel roasting pan that I use just for outdoor cooking because I got tired of sleeeping on the couch.
You never want to put the bird in liquid on the bottom of a roasting pan. If you put it in liquid, you will boil the back and end up with soggy flavorless meat and inedible skin. If you put it in a dry pan, it will stick and the dripping oils will fry the back, usually overcooking it. So you'll need a grate for holding the bird. You can use one from your grill, or even one from your indoor oven.
The tricky part is arranging everything. Because there are so many different grill designs I can't go through all the options, so grasp the science and adapt it to your own rig. The ideal setup is to place the bird on a rack 2 to 3" above the pan so heat and smoke can travel between them. If the bird is any lower, the mass of the cooler gravy, evaporation from its surface, and the sides of the pan will conspire to block heat, airflow, and smoke and you will end up with a pale, soggy, undercooked bottom.
The traditional turkey roasting configuration is a V-shaped rack that sits in a deep roasting pan with water in the pan to keep the drippings from burning. It is a recipe for skin as pale as a Seattle sunbather on the bottom and sides, and undercooked dark meat. I can see you nodding in recognition from here.
Dr. Greg Blonder, is a physicist, entrepreneur, former Chief Technical Advisor at the legendary Bell Labs, food lover, and the AmazingRibs.com science advisor and mythbuster. He measured the temps at different levels above the liquid in a 3" tall pan of water.
Even though the oven was 325°F, the liquid never reached boiling temp in the time it took to cook a turkey. That's because air is a lousy conductor of heat. You can put your hand in a 325°F oven, but don't put it in 325°F oil. Because the evaporation of water from the surface cools the liquid in the same way sweat cools us on a hot day, the temp of the gravy may never get above 175°F.
As you can see from the illustration, if the bird is below the lip of the pan and about 2" above the gravy, the bottom of the bird is in 240°F high humidity air, 85°F cooler than the top of the bird which is chugging away nicely in dry heat. That's why turkey backs are so often as flabby as an elephant's.
Even if youp lace the bird on a grate on the lip of the pan, the bottom will still be much cooler than the top and will almost certainly be undercooked. He did experiments with a shallow pan and got similar results.
In order to heat the bottom of the bird properly, if you are using a 3" pan with liquid as I recommend, you need to get the meat 3" above the pan for the air temp to be 325°F all around.
If you can't get your bird above the pan, you should start it breast side down and turn it over after an hour. Another option is to just remove the drip pan about 20 minutes before the bird is finished and put its back above direct heat. Just be sure to watch it carefully so it doesn't burn and check the temp in the breast before bringing it in.
dingbat Charcoal grill setup. Put the drip pan on one side of the charcoal grate and the charcoal on the other side and the meat on the food grate above the drip pan. I do not recommend putting the meat and the drip pan in the center. It is too easy to burn the thighs and wings that way. See my article on the best setup for a charcoal grill.
dingbat Gas grill setup. Put the drip pan on the flame deflectors below the food grate. The bird roosts on the food grate above. See my article on the best setup for a gas grill.
dingbat Weber Smokey Mountain & Other bullet smoker setup. If you are using a bullet shaped water smoker like a Weber Smokey Mountain, try leaving the water pan dry and put the gravy in a pan on the bottom grate. That should do it. You can use the built-in water pan for the gravy if you wish. If the water pan is really dirty, line it with foil or put a pan in there, and add hot water to the gravy. You may have trouble hitting 325°F this way, though. In order to get it up to 325°F, depending on the outside air temp, you'll probably have to add more fully lit coals than normal and leave the vents open all the way. See my article on the best setup for a Weber Smokey Mountain.
dingbat Kamado or Egg setup. You do not want direct heat and only the oval shaped Primo can be set up in two zones, so you need to put in the deflector plate. The gravy pan can go on this plate.
dingbat Gas smoker setup. Put the turkey on a shelf high up in the cabinet and the gravy pan on the bottom shelf. You won't need the built-in water pan. You'll probably need to set the dial on high.
dingbat Offset barrel smoker setup. Put the drip pan on the bottom of the cooking chamber under the cooking grate. See my article on the best setup for an offset smoker.
dingbat Pellet smoker setup. Put the drip pan on top of the big deflector plate under the cooking grate and put the bird on the cooking grate. If you have a pellet smoker that generates its best smoke at about 200°F or so, start there for about 30 minutes, and then crank it up to 325°F.
dingbat Electric smoker setup. You probably can't get up to 325°F and it will be very humid in there. That's good for juiciness and tenderness, but bad for the skin. So take it up to about 145°F internal temp, and then put it in a 400°F oven to crisp the skin. You can also put it on a hot grill or under the broiler. Then ask for a charcoal, gas, or pellet smoker for your birthday. Better flavor too.
If none of these works for you, try to raise the bird up by placing it on an oven rack sitting on top of several empty tall beer cans (don't write to me if you don't know how to empty them). If they are clean, they can sit right in the drip pan.
Beware! A disposable aluminum pan will not hold the rack and a bird without collapsing, so if you use a disposable pan, it must go under the grill grate and the bird must go on top of the grill grate. That, or you must rest a cooking grate on empty beer cans.

Finally! Let's cook that bird!

Finally! All the pregame activities are over. It's time to get down to business. You want to begin by preheating the oven about 5 hours before your guests are ready to sit down. Yes, your grill or smoker is really an oven. Get over it.
1) Crank your oven/grill/pit up to 325°F or as close as possible as measured at the level of the cooking grate by a digital thermometer. Do not measure the temp using the cheap thermometer in the lid unless you plan to eat the lid. There can be a great difference between the grate temp and the lid temp.
2) When it is hot, clean the grate you will cook the bird on before you put the drip pan in. Week-old grease and gunk the cooking grates will not add the kind of complexity you want in your gravy. Now put the drip pan and all the gravy fixins onto the cooker at least 2 to 3" below the bird if possible.
3) If you have a leave-in digital thermometer with a probe on a wire, insert the probe into the breast so the tip is in the center of the thickest part of the breast, being careful not to touch the ribs. Digital thermometers have small sensors and they are very close to the tip, so they are by far the best. The sensitive areas of a dial thermometer are too big to be accurate.
4) Put the onion (remember to quarter it), garlic, orange peel, and fresh herbs into the cavity. These aromatics will release aromas and they will penetrate the meat from the inside of the cavity, along with the smoke. Do not cram them in so tightly that hot air and smoke can't circulate inside. If you must, leave something out.
5) Grab 4 pieces of aluminum foil, each about 8" square, and coat one side with vegetable oil so it won't stick. Cover the tops of the wings and drumsticks with the foil. You did lop off the wing tips and toss them in the gravy, didn't you? The foil will keep these skinny parts from burning. You'll take the foil off after an hour, so the skin will brown and crisp. Oil the skin to help brown it. Any old oil will do.
6) Now add your smoke wood. Turkey loves smoke, but too much can ruin it in a hurry, and there is is a fine line. The first time you try this recipe I beg you to go easy on the smoke wood. Overdo it and the bird will taste like an ashtray.
I've had good luck with apple, alder, peach, cherry, and oak. Avoid mesquite, and hickory. They'll work, but I think they're a bit too strong for delicate lean meats like turkey.
On a charcoal grill or smoker, you may not need to add wood at all. The charcoal will probably give you all the smoke flavor you need. If you do add wood, you can toss it right on the coals. 2 to 4 ounces by weight should be enough. Smoke adheres to wet surfaces, so add the wood at the start of the cook.
On a gas grill you'll need 4 to 8 ounces of wood. You may decide after tasting it that you want more on your next cook, but don't ruin the first one with too much smoke.
On my gas grill I usually place one golf-ball sized chunk of wood right on a burner in the flame. Chunks smolder slowly, but if you do not have chunks, you can use chips or pellets.
T
wood packets
o use chips or pellets, make a little pouch of aluminum foil and poke holes in one side. There is no need to soak the wood. Wood does not absorb much water. That's why they make boats out of it. Put the packet as close to the flame as possible. Click here for more on The Zen of Wood.

7) Place the bird on the cooking rack, breast side up, close the lid and don't open it for an hour. That means no basting. Not if you want crispy skin. Remember, basting just makes the skin wet and soft.
8) After an hour, open the cooker and remove the aluminum foil from the wings and drums. This lets them brown properly and you will have potato chip crunchy skin on your wings.
If you don't have a thermometer on a wire already in the breast, spot check the temperature with a good digital instant read thermometer by inserting the probe into the deepest part of the breast. Push the tip past the center and pull it out slowly. The lowest temp is the one to watch for. You can do this occasionally as needed. You won't harm anything by peaking.
If necessary, add a quart of boiling water to the gravy pan. Don't add cold water or you can cool off the cooking chamber. Make sure there are at least 2 inches of liquid in the pan at all times. Do not let the onions and other solids in the pan burn! Let them get dark, but not black. While you're under the hood, if you are using charcoal add another 15 to 20 chunks every hour. Resist the temptation to reach for the wood chips.
If you fear that the bird is progressing too slowly and you are having trouble keeping the temp up to 325°F, preheat your indoor oven to 325°F and move the bird and the gravy inside. Finishing it this way is fine. You will not lose you pitmaster card. The smoke flavor is already in the bird so now your focus must be on making sure it is not overcooked.
9) As the meat temp approaches 160°F in the center of the breast, tilt the bird and drain the cavity into the gravy. Now check temps all over, especially the back which can be a bit soggy or even undercooked if it is very close to the water. If the back isn't 160°F, remove the gravy pan and put the bird over direct heat to firm it up. This should take no more than 20 minutes or so, but watch things, because without that buffer of water, you can burn the back in a hurry.
Now it is time to move the bird to the cutting board or a platter. Pick a platter with a lip that contain the copious juices. A lot of books say you should put a foil tent on the bird and rest it. Don't do it. This just makes the skin soggy. It does nothing to improve juiciness. Serve your meat hot and crispy. It will get more than enough resting as you move it from the cooker and while you carve.
If you are going over the river and through the woods with your bird, or if your bird finishes early, read about how to keep it hot with a faux Cambro.
10) Carefully remove the gravy pan from the cooker. Pour the gravy through a strainer into a large pot or saucepan. Discard the solids. They have given you their all. Let it sit for about 10 minutes and with a large spoon or basting bulb, remove most of the fat. You'll never get it all, so don't obsess. Besides, fat brings flavor. Now taste the juice under the fat. It should be rich and flavorful. If you find it too weak bring it to a boil and cook it down a bit. Taste again and add salt only at the last minute. If you add salt and then reduce it, it will be too salty.
gravy in a coffee carafeI pour the gravy into a coffee carafe to keep it warm especially when I have to go to someone else's house for dinner. The fat rises in the thermos, so I can just pour some off before serving, or shake it up to mix it in. When you are ready to serve the bird, you can transfer some of the gravy to a gravy boat or serving bowl if you don't like the looks of the carafe.
As proof of its goodness, when you chill the leftovers it will solidify into a jelly. That's what happens to melted collagens, they turn to gelatin, and collagens bring flavor and texture to the table. See my article on meat science for more on the subject.
Please resist the temptation to thicken this gravy with flour or cornstarch. If the idea is to moisten meat, starchy sauces just don't get the job done. Starches are large molecules and they can't penetrate the tiny pores in the meat. The gravy just floats on top like a life preserver after the ship has gone down. My thin gravy will soak into the meat and add much more flavor. After you taste my gravy, you won't do the thick high school cafeteria stuff again. But if there are hardened traditionalists in the house, in the sidebar I have included instructions on how to satisfy them.

Great movie from a reader

The talented Jason King of Toronto made this very cool video demonstrating the whole process in just a few minutes. Kinger, as his friends call him, says his Mother told him "If you wanna eat you better learn to cook."

Great pix from a reader

Rob Baas of Alvaton, KY, is a Facebook friend and we have communicated several times. He has a fun blog called CountrysideFoodRides. He documented beautifully in pix many of the steps along the way to the Ultimate Turkey.

Carving

The first thing to do is look at the bird and remember who is winning this contest and remind yourself that you are smarter than a dead turkey. It is not hard once you understand the logic. Go ahead and parade the whole bird around the room and take a few bows, but do the carving in the kitchen, not on the dining table. You need elbow room, you don't need adoration or the heckling, and you certainly don't need to ruin the tablecloth.
The second thing to do is to reach for the best carving knife you own. Some folks prefer an electric knife, but I prefer a good carving knife. Just make sure it is sharp or the skin will give you fits. Good carving knives should be professionally sharpened every year or so depending on how often you use them. A honing steel is no substitute for a real sharpening. You can do it yourself and I recommend some sharpening devices in my article about required kitchen tools, or you can take your knives (and lawn mower blade) to a pro once a year.
I have a nice Messermeister Meridian Elite 5 Knife Set but, don't tell my professional chef friends, the knife I reach for most is my cheap Rapala Soft-Grip 7.5". This cheapo blade has a thin flexible dangerously sharp blade, a wicked sharp tip, and it's only about $16. It is not strong enough to cut through bone, but there is nothing better for cutting things off bones. When it's dirty, it goes in the dishwasher and you can't do that with the fancy knives. When it is dull I hone it and when it no longer holds a razor edge, I chuck it and get a new one. To see all the different sizes available, click herespacer.
Below I will describe the process of carving a turkey (BTW, carving is much easier if you butterfly the bird or break it down into parts before you even cook it). Click here to see an excellent step by step slideshow of the process.
The goal is to get as much of the meat off the bones as possible. You want to slice it across the grain so it is easier to chew, and you want as many pieces as possible to have a bit of tasty skin.
1) Hone the knife with a honing steel. A sharp knife has a razor thin edge, and with use that edge can bend. A honing steel can straighten it out. A honing steel is a rod that has a sandpaper like surface. I know you've see TV chefs hone knives by crossing the steel and knife in front of them and zip zop, they're done. Don't try it. It's not accurate and it's a good way to add your bodily fluids to the gravy.
Begin by placing the tip of the rod on a table and hold it vertical, perpindicular to the table. Hold the knife by the handle firmly in your other hand. Rest the part of the knife closest to your hand against the top of the steel and tilt it to a 45° angle. Then roll your wrist so it is halfway between 45° and the steel, about 22.5°. Draw the knife slowly towards your body gently sliding it downward towards the table at the same time. Hone the entire blade, right to the tip. Repeat the process on the other side of the blade. Hone each side alternatively about 3 or 4 times.

turkey anatomy 1
turkey front


2) After the meat has rested, you can begin to carve. You will need a cutting board with gutters to catch the ample juices, and a serving platter or 2. Let's start with the dark meat. Take a paper towel and grab the top of a drumstick and bend it until the joint between it and the thigh is visible. Flex it back and forth until you have a good clear shot at the knee from behind. Sever the meat around the joint, and then cut between the ball and socket to remove the leg.
3) You can serve the drumstick whole for the cavemen like me, or you can stand it on the meaty end and slice downward, removing the meat. I usually carve one and leave one whole.
4) Now pull out those pieces of stiff cartilage with your fingers. Repeat the process with the other leg.
5) Now hold the thigh and cut through the skin that connects it to the body. Bend the thigh back to find the hip joint. Cut through the ball joint removing the thigh.
6) You can serve the thigh whole, but then the choicest pieces of dark meat go to only 2 guests. If you have more people who want thigh meat, you need to remove the bone so you can slice the meat. To do this, flip the thigh skin side down, and run the knife around the bone and under it until you can lift it out.
7) Now turn the thigh skin side up and cut it into slices across the grain. Repeat with the other thigh.
8) Now grabbing a wing, bend it back to locate the shoulder joint and cut through the tendons holding together the ball and socket.
9) Now for the breasts. The old fashioned method was to cut slices off the breasts while they were still attached to the carcass. There are several things wrong with this approach. First of all, it is awkward. It is hard to get even slices especially as your knife approaches the rib cage, which is curved. The process is even more awkward because the carcass is wobbly. Besides, it's not fair because the person who gets the first slice gets most of the skin! The old fashioned method has you cutting with the grain, and slices cut with the grain is always chewier than slices cut across the grain. The better plan is to remove each side of the breast from the carcass and then cut it into beautiful slices across the grain so it is more tender. Here's how: In the middle of the two lobes is the breast bone, sometimes called the keel bone. Cut down along one side of the breast bone with long strokes until the knife hits the rib cage.
10) Then tilt the knife and work along the rib cage with long strokes until the breast falls away in one football shaped hunk. On the fron the knife will slide along the wishbone. Don't forget to pull it out from under the skin flap!
11) Lay each breast skin side up on a cutting board and slice it across the grain in slices at least 1/4". I like thicker slices, especially if the meat is tender. But there is a trick to slicing it properly (I'll bet you're not surprised to hear that). Remember how we loosened the breast skin to put rub under it? It is no longer firmly attached to the meat. If we're not careful the skin will slip slide around and you won't get neat slices with skin with each slice of meat. The trick is to have a really sharp knife. Place it on the center of the breast near its handle. Place the thumb and forefinger of your free hand on either side of the knife pressing down on the skin gently. In one gentle steady stroke, with slight downward pressure, draw the knife toward yourself across the skin, cutting down through it and into the meat. If you use a dull knife or a serrated knife,or if you use a sawing mothion, the skin will move around. This takes a bit of practice.
12) When you have the meat cut, re-assemble it into a breast shaped presentation in order to keep the meat warm. If you are careful, you can slide your knife under the assembly and lift the whole thing onto the serving platter. On second thought, play it safe and use a spatula.
13) Just before serving the bird, give yourself a reward. Flip the carcass over so the backbone is facing up. Run your fingers along the sides of the backbone and near the joints where the wings were attached, right under the shoulder blades, you'll find tender, juicy blobs of meat, each about the size and shape of the meat from a large oyster, hence the nickname, turkey oysters. You can pop them out with your fingers. Savor them for a job well done.
SERVING PlATTER OF BARBECUE TURKEY
14) Now pour a little gravy over the top of the meat in the platter, enough to moisten it but not drown it.

Leftovers and that valuable carcass

Do not discard the carcass. There is plenty of meat left and plenty of flavor inside those bones. Put it in the fridge. Don't leave it sitting at room temp for more than 30 minutes.
1) Once the guests are gone (or the next day if you're beat), wash your hands well, and begin pulling all the remaining meat off the carcass. Set it aside for smoked turkey supper salad, smoked turkey pot pies, turkey sandwiches, turkey fajitas, turkey salad, turkey soup, or pulled turkey. The meat freezes well if wrapped tightly in plastic wrap or a zipper bag.
2) Take the stripped carcass and break it into chunks. Put it into a deep pot, cover with water, and toss in 2 chopped carrots, 2 chopped onions (skins and all), a few celery leaves, a bay leaf, and some herbs. Add any leftover gravy from when you cooked the bird.
3) Bring to a gentle simmer over medium heat. Do not boil yet. Simmer just below the boiling point for at least 2 to 6 hours. Turn off the heat, skim the scum, remove the big chunks, set them aside, and strain. Taste it, but resist the temptation to add salt. You can always add it later, but you can't take it out. Thin it if you wish or cook it down to make it more concentrated. I like to concentrate it and freeze it in ice cube trays. Then I drop the cubes into a zipper bag and label it with the date. Then pick the boiled meat off the carcass and add it to the other leftover meat.

4) The next time you are making rice, risotto, couscous, paella, or soup, use the frozen cubes for a wonderful flavor. Pour some in an ovenproof bowl, add some caramelized onions, float a toasted crouton on it, put some muenster cheese on top, stick it under the broiler, and you've got a killer French onion soup.

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